


Begin Again

by lydiamrtin



Category: Orange is the New Black
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, F/F, Future Fic, Hurt/Comfort, POV Nicky, Psychological Trauma, graphic mentions of rape
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-11 05:37:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,185
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15965801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lydiamrtin/pseuds/lydiamrtin
Summary: “I said save it, Lorna. We’ll talk about this later.”“No, we’re gonna talk about this now!” Lorna exclaims, loud enough to make Nicky flinch. “We’re always talkin about it later, or putting it off to the side, and I’m tired of it. Now you’re gonna set aside your shit, take a long hard look at yourself, and tell me what the fuck it is that makes you so afraid to let our daughter out of your sight.”OITNB Prompt: Nichorello future fic, Nicky and Lorna have a young daughter and Nicky is super protective over her in terms of the adults she interacts with (doesn’t like her going on sleepovers, extra vigilant at get togethers, etc) and Lorna finally asks her about why she’s always going overboard. A conversation about Uncle Pete ensues





	Begin Again

**Author's Note:**

> **WARNING** There are graphic mentions of rape that occur in the italics, so please read at your own risk! There are some non-graphic, much more mild descriptions of rape that occur in other parts of the fic as well. Anyways, that being said, this was definitely one of the hardest fics i've ever written. It pained me to write it, but I feel like the prompt was really good and I just felt like I wanted to do this subject matter justice, cause it's really important to me. Thanks guys, hope you enjoy!

It’s a windy, cool autumn evening in Nicky and Lorna’s apartment, but instead of rustling leaves the only sounds they hear are the sirens and car horns blaring on the New York City streets below. While Lorna cooks up some pasta and sauce on the stove, Nicky finds herself in the middle of a most exhausting conversation with her daughter she’d rather not be having. 

“Mommy, can I go over to Jo’s house tonight? She said we can get pizza and make s’mores.” 

Her daughter, Emma, looks up with her big, bright brown eyes and sets her lips in that irresistible, adorable pout that often renders Nicky powerless to resist her demands. Almost. 

“Emma, honey, we’ve talked about this already.” 

“But Mommy, I really wanna go. Jo said I’m invited.” 

“I’m sorry, sweetie. But I already told you, the answer is no for tonight.” 

Emma furrows her eyebrows and sets her lips in a pout, crossing her arms. “You never let me do anything, Mommy,” she says angrily before stomping off to her room.

Nicky runs a distressed hand through her messy curls as she approaches Lorna in the kitchen, who’s standing over the stove stirring the sauce. 

“Hey.” She rubs Lorna’s shoulder affectionately. “Smells good in here.”

“Thanks, Nicky,” she says sweetly. “But don’t think complimentin me on my cooking is gonna make me agree with you,” she continues, tone hardening. 

“Aww, c’mon babe,” Nicky protests, feigning surprise. “When have I ever complimented your famous spaghetti or any of your other fantastic culinary creations for that matter with any other sort of ulterior motive?” 

“Nice try,” Lorna says, shaking her head. “You almost got me with that one.” 

“You know I never compliment your cooking unless I mean it.” 

“I’m sure you don’t. And I’m even more sure that’s not all you’re trying to say.” 

“Hey look, Lorna, I just need you to talk to her for me. I can’t say things to her the same way you can, and me saying no to her almost always ends in her storming off to her room, or crying, or both.” 

“Maybe you wouldn’t have to worry about it so much if you told her yes for a change,” Lorna says quietly, but still intentionally loud enough for Nicky to hear. 

Nicky’s mouth hangs open in surprise, but before she can respond Lorna continues, “You gotta stop draggin’ me in your fights with Emma every time she asks you for somethin. It isn’t fair cause you never tell her why she’s not allowed, and you don’t even tell me.” 

Nicky’s mouth opens in shock. “Lorna, she wants to go to Jo’s tonight. You remember who Jo’s father is, right? He’s like the white trash, washed out crackhead version of Pornstache, on steroids. I don’t think it’s that unreasonable that I don’t want her to go there.” 

Lorna sighs and shakes her head. 

“Nicky, they’re a nice family. You can’t stereotype everyone based on looks, and I’ve never had any problems with ‘em. You’re just being paranoid.” 

Nicky knows better than attempting to argue with Lorna on this, because once Lorna makes her mind up about something there’s no going back. The sun could turn pink and Lorna would still be convinced it was yellow.

Additionally, she doesn’t even have a reason to be paranoid like Nicky does. Lorna only experiences paranoia once she pieces things together that may not even be correlated, and even then she has to establish a solid foundation with the person first. She only experiences paranoia once she can see clearly that it could directly affect her, and going to pick Emma up at a friend’s house isn’t an immediate reason to get suspicious. Talking to Jo’s family doesn’t immediately raise any real threats. 

“I’m not explaining myself to you. I have my reasons, and my mind isn’t gonna change. Emma’s not going over there,” Nicky tells her firmly.  

“Why not? Let her have some fun, it’s a Friday. You’re always so tightly wound up about her, honey. You need to relax for a change.” 

“Or maybe it’s a good thing that I’m not relaxed, because one of us actually needs to keep our eyes open,” Nicky snaps. 

Lorna puts the spoon down and turns to look at her.

“Something was off with her father, Lorna,” Nicky continues, urgency growing in her tone. Not only does Lorna absolutely refuse to understand her logic, but Nicky can’t even blame her because she can’t bring herself to tell her the real reason why. She knows she sounds crazy, paranoid, anxiety-addled to any somewhat sane person when she goes into protective mode for Emma, but she can’t help but feel hurt that Lorna never takes her side. 

“When I stepped into that house it just felt off to me. Nine times outta ten, people that look like Jo’s father look like that for a reason. They’re fuckin pedophiles!” 

“Maybe it felt off to ya cause you’re not used to what a real, good, healthy family feels like,” Lorna counters irritably. “Just because your dad bailed on ya doesn’t mean you get to project all your past experiences onto our daughter’s friends. It’s not fair on her, or me.” 

Nicky feels a flare of hurt in her chest, scalding her like a searing flame. 

“Cause nothing’s ever fair on you, Lorna. Make it all about yourself, like I expected anything less.” 

She throws her arms up and begins to walk away, rage boiling in her blood. She knows if she doesn’t walk away and cool off now she’ll say even more things she’ll regret later. 

“You got me there, Nicky,” Lorna calls out to her, tone dripping in sarcasm. “But at least I’m not the one who makes it her daily mission to squash every opportunity Emma ever gets to have some fun.” 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Nicky mutters under her breath. 

“Sorry I’m actually trying to be a better parent than my mom was to me, and sorry I’m not just giving up and succumbing to the same mistakes your mom made on you.” 

Nicky stops in her tracks. 

“What the fuck did you just say to me?” 

“T-That’s right, you’re just going along thinking it’s okay to raise our daughter by shielding her from everything. You can’t keep her from the world forever, Nicky.” 

“I don’t, Lorna. I keep her from things I know’ll hurt her.” 

“What’s so harmful about s’mores and pizza? Nick, you sound crazy just talkin about it!” 

“Don’t stand there twisting my words acting like you understand, cause it’s clear you don’t,” Nicky says with rising anger. 

“You’re right, I don’t. I don’t understand how you could possibly think sayin’ no to everything she asks is gonna wind up okay. You can’t keep her from makin’ mistakes or getting into trouble forever, honey. Kids learn one way or another, and you wanna know the way kids who are told no always learn? They wind up dead on the streets cause they got themselves kicked outta their house for breakin too many rules because once they become smart enough to realize that their parents are preventing them from really livin their lives, they go absolutely fuckin crazy.” 

“It kinda sounds like you’re talkin about me.” 

“I didn’t say that, Nick,” Lorna says carefully. “You’re projectin again. I’m sayin that’s what’s _ gonna _ happen to our daughter if you keep treating her this way.” 

“You mean by  _ not _ letting her go to that old, creepy pedophile’s house where anyone could have their way with her soon as my back was turned?” Nicky exclaims with a crack in her voice. “And it’s not projection if you just spelled out word for word my exact situation. You want her to go so bad, Lorna, then fine. You can take her.” 

“Stop making me the bad guy!” Lorna shouts. “You’re getting angry cause I’m calling you out on something you don’t wanna face. When are you gonna learn, Nicky? Your mother didn’t want you around anyone else she didn’t like, which was everybody! And that’s exactly what you’re doing to Emma now. I thought the whole point of havin a kid was to raise ‘em better than we were raised, not as living copies of ourselves!” 

Lorna’s words hit her like a freight train. 

“That’s really how you think of me?” Nicky speaks it like a question, but certainty sticks out clear as crystal in her tone. “I’ve spent over half of my life purging myself of every thought or idea that woman planted in my head. She’s the last person I’d ever call mom.” 

“No one gets to choose their parents, hun. You have to take what you’re given and make the best outta it.” 

Nicky sure managed to make the best out of her situation in the most self-destructive way she could have possibly done. 

“And I didn’t mean it like that,” Lorna continues, voice softening. “I just don’t know where else you’re gettin all these crazy parenting ideas from. Why are you so afraid to take her to Jo’s? I already said her father seemed like a decent person.” 

“Don’t they always,” Nicky says. 

“And I don’t know if it’s because your mom isolated you from everyone growing up, and told you no all the time which is why you rebelled against her so bad, but either way if you don’t stop doing that to Emma she’s gonna end up the exact same way.” 

“What, like me?” Nicky scoffs. “Cause who’d want that, right?” 

“Nicky, you know that’s not what I-” 

“Save it.” Nicky turns away from her and begins walking away. 

“I wasn’t finished talkin to you.” 

She stops and turns around. “You know what you can do with your ‘wasn’t finished’ for all I give a shit?” 

“Nicky.” 

“I said save it, Lorna. We’ll talk about this later.” 

“No, we’re gonna talk about this now!” Lorna exclaims, loud enough to make Nicky flinch. “We’re always talkin about it later, or putting it off to the side, and I’m tired of it. Now you’re gonna set aside your shit, take a long hard look at yourself, and tell me what the fuck it is that makes you so afraid to let our daughter out of your sight.” 

“I’m  _ aware _ of my surroundings, which is something I think we can both agree isn’t one of your best qualities, babe. I’m not risking her getting into a dangerous situation just because you wanted to let her ‘have some fun.’”

“Nicky, we’ve been there before. It’s fine.” 

“We were there with her, of course it was fine.” 

“Because you wouldn’t let her out of your sight longer than 15 fucking seconds.” 

“Well maybe I didn’t want her pedophilic-looking father staring her down soon as I looked the other way! I don’t get what you think is so fuckin bad about me wanting to look after her.” 

“Well I don’t get what you think is so fuckin dangerous about her father, Nicky! He’s a regular guy. Just a regular, normal guy with a daughter just like us, and who probably wants to just be our friend cause our daughters are friends too. Why can’t we just be normal parents for a change, huh? Why does everything always have to be so crazy with us?” 

Nicky remembers Lorna telling her during their vows that with Nicky, she always loves a little crazy. How craziness was what led them to fall in love in the first place. From their crazy thirst for each other during their prison days and Lorna’s crazy prison marriage falling apart because she couldn’t deny her ever-growing feelings for Nicky, to Nicky’s crazy idea to say fuck it all, fuck conventionality and fuck normality because she wanted Lorna to marry her and she didn’t care if she squashed Lorna’s previous fantasies, craziness has been the one thing that’s embodied their relationship more perfectly than anything else has. Because Lorna may have dreamed of white picket fences and three-story houses once upon a time, but she’d told Nicky countless times during their most intimate moments together that what she had in real life was a thousand times better. 

Nicky’s biggest fear, even bigger than the secret she’s harbored tirelessly for as long as she can remember, is that someday Lorna may wake up and realize that she no longer loves her, that she can do better than her. That she can find a man with real money and a big house who can actually take care of her and provide her the opportunity to have her own children and build a real life. Because what kind of life is barely skating by paycheck to paycheck in a small, 2-bedroom apartment that’s barely big enough to contain themselves let alone their endless supply of emotional insecurities and baggage big enough to stock an entire Costco? 

Nicky always thought that life wasn’t about how much money you made, or how big your house was, because as long as she has Lorna she knows she’s going to be fine. But she knows Lorna used to think differently, and sometimes she wonders if Lorna secretly still thinks that way. She also knows on some level that’s probably not the healthiest way to perceive things because if Lorna ever does wake up one day and decides to leave her, then Nicky would be completely and utterly destroyed. But she can’t help it. Just acknowledging that her entire sense of security rests on the shoulders of another human being let alone fearing the very real possibility of that person being ripped away from her scares the absolute daylights out of her, but she can’t find it in herself to stop. That’s who she is, who she’s always been: never knowing when to stop with anything. That’s been her one defining characteristic her entire life: her incessant need to push whatever it is she does to the max, until some opposing force causes her to stop and implode on herself. But this is different, this isn’t self-oriented, or some desperate hunger for something to ease her pain. This is about protecting Emma. Nicky needs something to keep her going besides herself because as long as she knows Emma’s safe, and not going to wind up suffering the same fate as her, she can sleep at night. She finally knows how Red felt back in prison, protecting her at all costs and loving her in spite of how angry Nicky made her. It’s because the love she had for her, a mother’s love for her child, is unlike that of any other. 

Nicky bites her lip in a futile attempt to contain her anger. “They’re always regular, normal guys, Lorna. That’s the point. They don’t want you to see underneath their actions and see the pieces of shit they really are.” 

“Or maybe you’re just so paranoid of everyone cause of your mom and dad that you’re constantly going around scaring everybody off and makin it our daughter’s problem.” 

“Maybe if you opened your eyes for more than 2 seconds at a time, you’d see that it isn’t Marka or my piece of shit father who have anything to do with this!” Nicky exclaims incredulously. “I-I-I mean, not everything is about my parents, Lorna. I had other people in my life besides them. Shit went on that I’ve never even thought of telling you about. So stop talkin so much about something you don’t know about, alright?” 

She said too much. Why can’t Nicky ever learn to keep her mouth shut? As soon as she gets out one thing, she just keeps on spilling and spilling until she’s drained and has flooded her surroundings with her useless babbling and good-for-nothing words that have never done a thing for anyone but pull them down, hold them back. That’s what she does to people. She prevents them from reaching their full potential. 

That’s why she’s never told anybody her secret. She can’t bear the idea of anyone harboring guilt for knowing about it. People already carry guilt around her just by looking at her and seeing what a complete and utter fuck up she is. Addicted to drugs all her teenage years, spent 4 years in prison, didn’t have a real job in her life until her late 30s. Even before all the drug shit went down her family couldn’t stand her. Nicky doesn’t need another reason for anyone, even Lorna, to give her charity. She’s tired of people looking at her and thinking she can’t take responsibility for her own life. She doesn’t need anyone thinking she excuses her downfall on rape as well as drugs. 

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Lorna asks, sounding more confused and concerned now as opposed to her bursts of anger earlier. 

Nicky can feel her heart beating in her chest, and she silently attempts to still her nervous twitching so Lorna doesn’t suspect anything. “Nothing in particular,” she says, trying to sound as annoyed as possible, rather than pained. Or scared. “I just meant that a lot went on in my life after I moved out, with people that I met that I’ve never told you about cause you didn’t know me for that part of my life. I was a different person back then.” 

“Stop dancing around the point. That doesn’t explain why you’re always so crazy high maintenance about Emma havin playdates.” 

“There’s not much else to tell, Lorn. It roughened my edges, so to speak, and it made me realize that there’s no one in this world that’s gonna look out for you but yourself. And I don’t want that for Emma. I want her to feel like she always has someone to turn to, that she’ll always have someone looking out for her.” 

Lorna stares at her for a second, calculating. Nicky scratches her head. She’s never seen Lorna think this intently about anything with more intellectual significance than fashion before. She’s worried. 

“And I’m not lookin out for her? That’s what this is about, isn’t it? This is your twisted, manipulative way of callin me a bad mother.” 

“Jesus, Lorna, no!” Nicky runs her hands through her hair in exasperation, sighing deeply. “Not everything I do is a subliminal message that you’re an unworthy piece of shit, alright? Now look who’s projecting.” 

“Real mature, Nicky,” Lorna deadpans. 

“I-I’m just sayin, that I wasn’t looked after the best as a kid.” Clearly. “And because of that, it sorta puts my parenting instincts into hyper-overdrive.”

Lorna nods in agreement, wordlessly telling her to go on. 

“Listen when I say you’ve got it backwards, kid. The last thing I want is to be anything like my parents. God knows the last thing they wanted was to have anything to do with me. No one as young as Marka was looks at a pregnancy test wanting it to be positive, I mean as far as they’re concerned, I was just a colossal mistake. I ruined their fuckin lives.” She laughs darkly, purposefully ignoring the worry that flashes in Lorna’s eyes. 

“Don’t say that, Nicky,” Lorna says, and it sounds to her like anger and rising concern are fighting a battle for dominance in her voice. So far concern is winning, and Nicky doesn’t like it. But she can’t focus on Lorna’s growing sense of worry for her right now, because first she needs to pull the seeds of the idea she planted Lorna’s head that any of this has to do with her being a “bad” parent. She loves Lorna so damn much, and even if she’s angry with her right now nothing’s more important than making sure Lorna knows just how amazing of a mother she really is. Now Nicky feels like an asshole for making her feel anything less than. 

“But the point is,” Nicky continues, “it has nothing to do with you, alright? You’re not a ‘bad mother,’ you’re great.” 

“You sound like you’re breakin up with me.” 

“Lorna, be serious,” Nicky pleads. “All I’m tryin to say is that the reason I’m so protective over Emma is because I don’t want to see her going through the same shit I did. I know sometimes I can go a little overboard, and I’m gonna work on that. But it’s not cause of you, okay?” 

“That makes sense,” she says. “That’s fair.” 

Nicky breathes out in relief. 

“But you’re not tellin me the whole truth.” 

Nicky feels her heart climb in her throat. 

“You’re leavin something out, I can tell. Don’t think I don’t know this trick,” Lorna seethes, anger finally taking the reigns again and reminding Nicky of the way Lorna used to talk on the phone to Vince in prison. Like Nicky’s someone that lies to her all the time, not one of, if not the only, person who’s been completely honest with her from start to finish. She may be hiding something dark from Lorna now, something that if the roles were reversed Nicky would be  _ furious _ about only finding out now, but it still hurts because Lorna’s talking to her like Nicky lies every single week. Like some twisted game she plays just to get a laugh. Nicky feels sick. How hypocritical she is. Here she is hurting over Lorna calling her a liar, and also knowing fully well how hurt she’d be if Lorna kept this from her and let it affect their parenting to the point where it made Nicky miserable. 

“I’ve been lied to by people my whole life, Nicky, so I always know the signs. Don’t think you’re getting off free for this.” 

“What the fuck else do you want me to say, Lorna?” Nicky exclaims, throwing her hands up in surrender. “You want me to come up with some fake sob story to tell you that’ll traumatize you for life just so that I have a slightly more legitimate excuse to be protective over our daughter?” 

Lorna starts shaking her head. “No, I-” 

“Then we’re finished talking about this.” 

“Fine, if you wanna be that kinda mother to our daughter then I’m not gonna try and change your mind anymore!” Lorna shouts, pointing at her. “But just know that this is the last time we’re makin it Emma’s problem, you hear? You’re gonna deal with your paranoid bullshit, or else we’re, specifically you, are gonna have a much bigger problem on your shoulders. You got that, Nicky? I’m not playin around anymore.” 

Nicky scoffs and shakes her head. “Noted, Lorna. You wanna take her to Jo’s? Go a fucking-head. I’m not sitting here pleading my case to deaf ears anymore.” 

“Deaf ears? Nicky, you’re the one who’s not listening!” Lorna slams down the spoon inside the stove and turns toward her. “You know what? I am gonna take her. First I’m gonna finish cooking this fucking dinner for us, cause  _ one _ of us needs to be the responsible one, then I’m gonna drive her over. In fact, I think I’m gonna call her father right now.” 

Nicky feels a tightness form in her chest. 

“Watch the sauce for me, will ya?” Lorna asks, a sense of finalization strong in her tone. Nicky knows better than to argue, so she wordlessly takes the spoon and stirs the sauce in slow circles, feeling an emptiness spread inside her. All this time, she’s kept her secret safely tucked away inside her heart, where it could never hurt her and where no one else could ever find out. So long that she keeps it buried deep down, she deals with it the best way she knows how and it doesn’t pose any threats to her life or her family. 

And at first having Emma was the perfect solution for Nicky’s strong protective instincts, to raise her daughter in such a safe environment that nothing could ever hurt her, no one could ever hurt or touch her the way she was touched. But now that Emma’s older and thinking for herself and forming a life of her own outside of Nicky and Lorna, Nicky’s beginning to realize her protective tendencies are starting to have the opposite effect she wanted them to on her daughter’s sense of safety. 

Regardless of how clear it may seem that she needs to ease off, she can’t help but act as insanely overprotective as possible. It’s like an addiction. Everything to Nicky is an addiction. Her instinct to shield Emma from any danger that may occur comes from her burning need, her drive, to protect her at all costs and provide her a better life than the one Nicky was provided. That’s why Lorna’s words stung so hard. Nicky falling victim to Marka’s poor parenting tactics is the last thing she’d ever want to do. Is that really how Lorna really sees her? 

That tightness in her chest wraps around her even harder, and she feels like she can’t even breathe. Is she turning into the monster she always feared she would become? Is she ruining her daughter’s life because she can’t get over something that happened to her almost 20 years ago? She can’t ever really get over anything, so maybe Lorna’s right. Maybe she is letting her trauma negatively affect her parenting, because she dealt with it in the opposite way you’re supposed to: by not dealing with it. All Nicky’s ever done is shove it deep, deep down until she couldn’t feel it anymore and she could finally breathe right without that tightness gripping her body and suffocating the life out of her. 

But now it’s rising, higher and higher and taunting her, threatening to break free. It yearns to spill from her lips, poisoning everything its vile liquid drenches and Nicky with it. If she talks about this, if anyone else gets their hands on this secret, then she won’t ever be able to live with herself. The one thing Nicky despises more than anything else is pity, and she worries that if Lorna drags this out of her then she’ll face a life long sentence of pity from the one person she can’t stand to take it from. 

“Great, now he’s not fuckin answering,” Lorna grumbles, walking back into the kitchen and setting her phone most abrasively on the counter. “Probably cause it’s dinner time now and they’re all sitting at the table with some nice hot pizza and bread, like a  _ normal  _ family.” Like salt in a wound, Lorna’s words sting her. 

“And not fighting about whether their kid gets to go someone’s house. You made us both look bad here, Nicky.” 

“So what, Lorna? Why do you care so much about what he thinks?” 

“Look, I know treatin all men like they’re the scum of the earth is sorta like your thing, but I shouldn’t have to justify myself for not wantin to get involved,” Lorna snaps, eyes clouded with anger. “I don’t know if it’s cause of your daddy issues or god knows what, but either way it’s childish and it has to stop.” 

“Childish? That’s rich, coming from you,” Nicky snarls. 

“Fuck you, Nicky!” Lorna exclaims, pointing a finger at her. “This is what I’m talkin about. I’m done tryin to get an explanation out of you. Just remember my words from earlier, this is the last time I’m ever lettin you take out your shit on Emma. You hear me?” 

“Whatever.” 

Lorna shakes her head. “I’m gonna go do something you should’ve done a long time ago: Talk to Emma about how you’re not gonna act like an irrational piece of shit around her anymore. It’s over.” 

She turns around and storms off without another word. 

“Oh, definitely lead with that,” Nicky barks sarcastically. “She’ll love it!” 

 

___

Nicky’s pasta is cold, and Lorna’s demeanor is even colder as she sprinkles some parmesan over her spaghetti and makes pointed stares at Nicky every 2 to 3 seconds. 

“I’m gonna warm this up a little,” Nicky says as she gets up to take her pasta to the microwave. 

“Maybe you wouldn’t need to if you’d done the one thing I asked you to do while I took her. All you had to do was wait for the water to boil and then drain the pasta. Was that so hard for you?” Nicky can hear Lorna shaking her head. “And I’m the child.” 

“Maybe if you could live without getting your way for once in your life then we’d all be here eating warm, fresh pasta together,” Nicky counters back at her, vigorously punching the buttons on the microwave and slamming the door shut. 

“Well maybe if we’d taken her when she actually asked and not an hour later cause of your temper tantrum, then maybe you wouldn’t have had to worry about dumping a little water or turning a knob. Cause that’s so hard.” 

“Could you fucking stop it, Lorna? Move on.” 

“You’re telling  _ me _ to move on?” The microwave beeps. “Are you even hearin yourself right now, Nick?” 

When Nicky opens the microwave to pull out her plate, a scorching hot pain erupts in her hands and she drops it down with a loud thwack. 

“We can’t change the past, alright? Now, we agreed I’m not gonna interfere with Emma’s social life anymore, did we not? Problem solved.” Nicky grabs a few paper towels and places them under her plate, carrying it back over to their table and sitting down across from Lorna. 

“I’ll believe it when I see it,” Lorna says, twirling her pasta on her fork and taking a bite. “And you’re not foolin anyone by letting it go so quickly.”

Nicky’s heart lurches. She wants to tell Lorna, she really does. The weight of her secret has never felt heavier, and all she wants to do is finally let go of the anguish she feels, free herself of the burden she’s always had to carry. But she can’t. She can’t bring herself to tell Lorna about how the way he touched her still haunts her at night, how the things he did to her make her physically sick. She can’t tell her that when she was just nineteen, she was raped by her uncle. 

“What are you talking about now?” Nicky asks exasperatedly with a sigh. But her voice shakes, and she can’t contain the nervous thumping of her leg under the table. She fidgets with her fingers in her lap, a telltale sign that her anxiety’s heightened. 

“Don’t think I don’t know there’s somethin you’re still not telling me.” 

Nicky finds herself shaking her head. 

“Wanna be like that? Fine, I’m not gonna stop you.” Lorna stands up from her chair and pulls it back, leaving her plate at the table as she goes off to either the restroom or to call her sister and talk about how much of an asshole Nicky was. Either way, she doesn’t care. Because now she’s focused on trying to stop the onset of thoughts and memories that are hitting her all at once. It’s like she’s being transported back to the place and the time where it actually happened. A dam breaks free in her mind, and in comes flooding all the visuals and flashes she’s tried fending off in her nightmares for the past 20 years. 

 

_ She remembers the way she felt her bed dip as he slipped under her covers and placed a hand over her mouth before she could cry out for help. But it wasn’t like anyone would’ve heard her- all the adults were asleep. She remembers even more the ice cold fear creeping into her veins as his hand slipped lower, lower, lower, until it was palming at her crotch and his rock-hard erection was pressed firmly against the small of her back.  _

_ She remembers the sheer terror petrifying her, stripping her of all her abilities to move. She was frozen, it was like time itself had frozen and she was stuck in an eternal time loop of her worst nightmare come to life. It wasn’t until his hand moved to reach inside the elastic of her pants until she snapped out of her trance. It was like he’d flipped a switch. Nicky remembers thrashing, kicking, and pushing in his group doing anything she could to get him off her. She tried biting his hand, to which he reacted by turning her around on her back and pinning her down.  _

_ “Shut the fuck up,” he growled in her ear, stilling her thrashes once again and sending a fresh batch of fear crawling up her spine. “If you say a fucking word to anyone, I’ll kill you myself. And I know how to make it look like an accident.” Her stomach dropped.  _

_ “How sad would poor Marka be if her little lesbian junkie died of a tragic, most unfortunate heroin overdose, huh?” he crooned, stroking her cheek. She shuddered with disgust.   _

_ “Or maybe she wouldn’t even be surprised. Just . . . Disappointed.”  _

_ Nicky felt tears prick at her eyes, sickness churning in her stomach.  _

_ “What the fuck do you want from me, you sick fuck? Just leave me alone,” she croaked, hating herself for how weak she sounded.  _

_ “Oh, I’ll leave you alone,” her Uncle Pete said. “Once I’m done with you.”  _

_ He reached for her waist, holding her down as he pulled down her pants.  _

_ “L-Let go of me!” Tears slipped down Nicky’s cheeks, and she was powerless against him pulling down her panties to expose her bare lower body.  _

_ “Not another fucking word, Nicky, or I swear to god.”  _

_ “Please just s-stop.”  _

_ She remembers closing her eyes and trying to turn away as she heard the sound of his belt unclipping. She remembers the cold hard dread she felt pounding in her veins as he pulled down his pants to reveal his cock practically dripping with precum. She’s tried in vain to forget the way he pulled her body closer to his and put his weight down on her, kneeing apart her legs and digging his hands into her shoulders as he whispered heavily into her ear, “You’re gonna be so tight, aren’t you?”  _

_ Nicky tensed up in his grip even harder, turning her face away from him and trying helplessly to push his body off hers.  _

_ “G-Get off me. Please don’t do this.” She remembers every breath she took to calm her racing heart, racing so fast she felt like she was going to have a heart attack. She remembers how her chest shook in a pathetic attempt to stifle her sobs, but as soon as he slowly pushed inside her she felt herself cry out in pain, as more tears fell down her cheeks and stained them red.  _

_ “Shh, stop, Nicky. Just relax, alright? It’ll be better for you.”  _

_ She remembers shaking her head vigorously as she cried, and him putting a hand over her mouth to cover the sound. All she remembers is feeling terrified at the loss of control over her body as he continued to slowly inch into her and coax her legs apart even wider. He moved his hands to grip her shoulders and thrust deeper inside her. She felt an explosion of pain, and bit down on her lip hard to keep from crying out. She thinks she bled. She clenched her legs as tightly as she could, unable to take any more.  _

_ “You gotta relax, it’ll feel so much better,” he told her again as he pushed deeper inside her, leaving her with no choice but to comply. As she slowly managed to relax her body, he quickened his thrusts and tightened his grip on her shoulders.  _

_ “Fuck, just like that. There you go.”  _

_ Nicky felt like she was being slowly split in 2. She wanted to die, in fact she  _ did _ die that night. Like what was left of her body was just a lifeless shell of a person for her uncle to fuck until he couldn’t fuck anymore. She’d never felt so dirty, so used, so empty in all her life.  _

_ “How the fuck are you g-gay anyway?” she heard him ask her, and all she could do was lie there in silence and let the words fall over her, cutting her. She couldn’t move.  _

_ “Your pussy was like, just meant to take a big, fat cock.” He thrusted into her with more force than before, hitting her g-spot and eliciting an involuntary groan from her.  _

_ “Yeah, you like that? Oh, fuck.”  _

_ He quickened his pace, and Nicky felt herself rapidly shaking her head as she choked out a weak “no.” She couldn’t control it, that for a moment it felt good. It was vile, and disgusting, and the fact that he was able to get that kind of a reaction out of her made her feel all the more sick.  _

_ His thrusts kept getting faster and faster until eventually he pulled out of her to come all across her stomach with a loud grunt, wiping the sweat off his forehead . She doesn’t remember their conversation after, doesn’t want to. All she knows is that after he left, she didn’t sleep that night. Couldn’t. And sleep wouldn’t come much more peacefully to her again for a very long time.  _

 

Nicky hasn’t trusted a single straight man since, and her worst fear that keeps her up at night is that someday the same thing could happen to Emma. It’s also the reason control is such a prominent aspect of her personality, from her relationships to the way she feels sexually. Nicky always has to hold the reigns, because anytime she loses control it reminds her of how pathetically helpless she was that night, and if someone tries to cross her or go over her head it sparks a fire of anger, and a little bit of fear, inside her. Control is something she holds onto very tightly, and something extremely difficult for her to let go of. Lorna’s one of the only people in her entire life who’s managed to get Nicky to give up control, to trust her, to let herself be taken care of. And even with Lorna it’s difficult. 

And here she is now, with their daughter, doing the exact same thing she swore to herself not to do: taking out her repressed trauma and anger on Emma, without so much as a single explanation as to why. Lorna was right. That’s exactly what Marka did to her, and here she is following directly in her footsteps. She wonders if they made the right decision, deciding to be parents when they both still have so much going on that needs to be fixed without the added responsibility of a child. She also wonders if deep down she knew she wasn’t ready, but  _ wanted _ to be ready for Lorna’s sake. Convincing herself she was ready enough to where she actually believed she was. Because they were getting older, and Lorna had already way since passed the age where she could have her own child. Nicky would have felt cruel to make her wait longer, and being Lorna’s wife she knew that having a kid was the one thing she’d always wanted more than anything. 

Maybe she just talked herself into it enough to where she actually believed it was what she could handle. Maybe that’s why Nicky’s been absolutely nothing but an emotional mess since moving in with Lorna. She wasn’t ready, for any of it. All this time, she’s been trying to give Lorna everything out of irrational guilt that she couldn’t provide the things a normal, non-criminal husband would be able to give her. All she wanted was to make Lorna’s life easier, and here she is making it harder because she can’t get over something that happened to her 20 years ago. 

How could she have expected to be a good mother to their child if she can’t even get a grip on her own life? Nicky feels like she betrayed Lorna, like Lorna’s been wasting her time with her because she feels sorry for her, because she knows that without her Nicky would break, and she wouldn’t want that guilt on her shoulders. Who would? And who was Nicky to put that kind of pressure on her, to make her decide between staying with her or leaving her? Maybe Lorna secretly wants to take Emma and leave, moving somewhere else where they wouldn’t be dragged down by Nicky’s emotional baggage anymore.

When Lorna had brought up the idea of adopting a child, Nicky agreed without so much as a second’s hesitation because she the idea of having something good and new in her life to focus on, something to make better than herself, was a prospect she wanted just as much if not more than Lorna did. But because she was blinded by excitement at the idea, she failed to see the possible negative effects that could occur. 

_ Stop making this all about yourself _ , her inner voice whispers in her ear.  _ You do that with everything. Just stop your pity party, tell Lorna that you’re sorry, and that you promise from now on you’re going to put your shit aside and be a better mother.  _

She hates how paranoid she still is, and that she can’t make it stop. She’s tired of letting her past affect her future, but she doesn’t know how to stop that, either. It manifests in everything she does, and she’s afraid sooner or later Lorna’s going to get up and leave her over it. She knows she doesn’t see the true magnitude of her situation. She could lose Lorna over this. But at the same time, she doesn’t have a clue how to stop. She doesn’t know how to stop anything. 

She doesn’t realize she’s crying until she blinks again after having stared off in silence for who knows how long, and feels tears running down her cheeks.  _ What is wrong with me? _ She furiously wipes her eyes, trying to stop the shaking of her hands and legs but only making herself feel worse by greeting the reality that she can’t. 

_ Get a grip of yourself. It was 20 years ago, grow the fuck up already,  _ the voice tells her, as if she needs any reminders of what a fucking mess she is. She places her head in her hands, almost as if to block the voice out, and swallows down her cries. She doesn’t need to have Lorna witness her having a total meltdown. Then Lorna will feel even more sorry for her than she probably already does, and add that to her list of reasons why she isn’t worth staying over. Lorna’s sacrificed too much to be with her already, and here Nicky is not even able to return a single damn favor. 

She hears footsteps heading back towards the kitchen, and so Nicky straightens her posture, rubbing her eyes one last time and picking up her fork to make it look like she was simply twirling with her now ice-cold noodles sitting forgotten on her plate. Her hand is still shaking, and she can’t stop her leg from bouncing furiously under the table. Everything is still fresh in her mind, and fighting with Lorna has only caused her to think about it more. Why can’t she just let it go and move on with her life? Why does she has to stay stuck on it without telling anyone and then blaming everybody else for not seeing things the way she does? 

“Hey, Nicky, will you give me the number for the credit card company?” she hears Lorna ask her as she walks back in, but her voice sounds far away. Like she’s in an entirely different room. Nicky’s never felt more separated from her, from anybody, in her entire life. 

“I need to call them and ask about my-” She stops, and Nicky feels an uptick in her heartbeat at Lorna’s paused question. She turns around in her chair to face her, and immediately begins feeling a tightness spreading in her chest at the look on Lorna’s face. She looks concerned. 

“What’s going on?” 

Not that question. Anything but that question. Nicky can’t do this right now, she can’t relive this nightmare again, and it’s not like she can lie to Lorna this time. She feels like a deer caught in the headlights, like Lorna is beginning to see right through her. Why did she choose to have a flashback here right in the middle of dinner? Of course Lorna was going to find out. 

“Nothing, Lorna, I’m fine.” 

“No, you’re not, honey. You’re shaking.” 

Nicky blinks the wetness out of her eyes and shakes her head, trying desperately to prevent her anxiety from rising out of control. 

“Babe, would you let it go? It’s been a long day.” 

“Not until you tell me what it is that’s going on with you.” Lorna walks over to Nicky’s chair and kneels down in front of her, putting a hand on her knee in an attempt to still her shaking. 

“Nicky, please just talk to me.” 

“I can’t.” Her voice breaks, and her leg starts bouncing even faster. Her throat feels like it’s closing in, like her breaths are getting shorter and more strained. Lorna backs up a little to give her her space, but right now all the space in the world wouldn’t make Nicky feel separated from the look of worry spreading slowly across her face. She feels trapped. 

“If it has anything to do with Emma or the way you’ve been acting, then I need you to tell me.” 

“I already said I can’t, Lorna.” Nicky stands up from her seat, anxiety rapidly rising in her. “Now please, give me some space.” 

“No!” The harshness of Lorna’s tone surprises her, and she stops dead in her tracks. “Stop tryin to run away all the time. You’re not allowed to make a problem and then not let me try to fix it.” 

Nicky bites her lip to keep from lashing out, and she curls her fingers in agitation. 

“Lorna, we already finished this conversation. Let it go.” 

“I don’t care about that, Nicky. I want you to tell me what’s happening up  _ here.” _ Lorna points to her head, raising her eyebrows for emphasis. 

“Lorna-” 

“I can tell when something’s wrong, and right now you don’t look alright. Now can we please just sit down on the couch and talk about this?” 

Nicky sighs, knowing that arguing with Lorna is like talking to a brick wall. She made her bed by choosing to cry and throwing a mini pity party while Lorna was in the other room, so now she has to pay the price. 

“Fine. Okay.” 

“Okay. Thank you.” Lorna turns around and begins walking over to the living room, and Nicky thinks she can hear a “Was that so hard?” muttered under her breath. 

Nicky sits down next to her, careful so that they don’t touch. Right now she’s hyper-conscious of every move she makes, and the last thing she wants is Lorna sensing how afraid she actually is. 

“So, um. The thing is . . .” Nicky runs a hand through her hair, scratches her nose, does anything and everything to stall the conversation. She’s not ready to rip the band-aid off. She can’t do this. 

Lorna sits in silence, listening intently, and Nicky realizes she’s on her own for this. She has to spell it out all on her own, and once it’s out it will be no longer hers. It will be Lorna’s to do what she wants with it, to see Nicky however she wants, to take her words and twist them however she may like. 

“So you remember me tellin you about my mom’s younger brother, how he stayed with us for a few months after the divorce with his ex-wife?” 

Laura nods. 

“Well, he, uh . . .” Nicky stares off into space again, unable to keep the images from flashing in her mind. 

“What? What’d he do?” Lorna’s tone has taken on a significantly increased amount of worry, and now Nicky’s terrified. Terrified of how Lorna’s going to see her after she tells her. If suddenly everything about how fucked up she is will click in Lorna’s head, and just like that she’ll see a reason to get out, to leave. To leave Nicky to deal with her fucked up emotions and trauma all on her own, because no one deserves to stay with someone that takes out abuse on someone else. 

She feels tears pooling at her eyes again, and it’s all she can do to keep from crying. She messes with her hair again, crossing her legs on the couch and then playing with her hands in her lap, averting Lorna’s gaze before she finds the courage to continue. 

“One night, he, uh . . . Came into my room. And . . . Basically, showed me what it was like to fuck a guy. By having his way with me.” 

Lorna gasps, and Nicky looks up into her eyes. Never before has Lorna looked so worried, or distraught, over her. It makes Nicky want to crawl into a hole and die. She hates that look on Lorna’s face, like she’s something to be pitied, that she’s a hopeless case. That’s been her fear all her life, is being perceived by the one she loves as something that’s broken, that can’t be fixed. And it’s obvious that she is. Nicky just managed to convince herself that she wasn’t long enough until she believed it. 

“What? Oh, my god.” Lorna scoots closer to her, and Nicky doesn’t find it in herself to flinch or shift away when their thighs touch. “That’s-That’s . . . Not what I was expecting you to say. At all.” 

Nicky takes a deep breath and tilts her head back, silently willing her tears to go back into their eyes where they belong. Not on her face as a visible product of her inability to handle any kind of emotional affection ever extended to her. She can’t bring herself to speak.

“Honey, I am so sorry,” Lorna says quietly. 

She can’t even bring herself to say a simple “It’s okay” to Lorna because it’s not okay. And the truth is, she doesn’t even know how to handle Lorna’s concern because she’s never dealt with it before, never told anybody until now. 

“How long ago? When did it happen?” Lorna’s tone is gentle, soft, and she reaches for one of Nicky’s hands to take in hers. 

“I-I was nineteen. It was at Marka’s old house, before she kicked me out and gave me money to buy my own place. And it wasn’t like I could’ve yelled, or punched him, or called for help.” She shrugs, and a dry sob escapes her. “He would’ve fuckin killed me. Literally.” 

“Oh my god.” Lorna sounds more distraught than Nicky’s ever heard her, and it breaks her heart into pieces. “Nicky, I . . . I don’t know what to say.” 

“I don’t know what kind of point he was trying to make,” Nicky says, voice wavering. Now that it’s out, it’s like she can’t stop, and has to spill everything else about it that’s been plaguing her mind. “It wasn’t like he was trying to turn me straight. Not even he could’ve been that stupid. It was different, it was more like . . . He was trying to fuck me in a way that he knew would feel good, that would get me to like it.” 

Lorna gasps, and her hand instantly tightens in Nicky’s grip. “Nicky, none of that was your fault. Everything he did, none of it was on you. You have no blame in this, understand?” 

Nicky can hear her words, but she can’t process them. She can’t bring herself to agree. It makes her feel too sick to even think about the fact that for a brief moment, she felt  _ good _ from what he was doing to her. So ever since then, she repressed, repressed, repressed. And now she doesn’t know how to deal with the fact that someone else knows. 

“Yeah, I know,” Nicky lies, feeling her legs shake with anxiety. “I guess it’s just cause I never really, y’know, talked about it. That it’s manifesting in everything I do now. How I see men, the way I am with Emma.” 

“A-Am I the only one who knows?” 

Feeling shameful, Nicky brings herself to nod. 

“Nicky . . . You need to talk to someone about this, baby. Like a professional who can eat cases like this for breakfast.” 

“Marka sent me to a therapist for drugs, Lorna. It didn’t do a goddamn thing,” Nicky says. She can’t sit down and open up about her problems to a stranger. How can Lorna ask her do that? Especially with how much it’ll cost? It’s already hard for them financially, god knows they don’t need another added expense. 

“That’s different,” Lorna argues, shaking her head. “This is something you need to talk about so you can move forward from it. In the right way. I know you hate therapy, honey, but this is important. For you, for us, for Emma.” 

Nicky notices how Lorna doesn’t mention herself. _ Probably because you called her selfish earlier, you hypocritical asshole.  _ She feels horrible. It’s like she doesn’t even realize how much Lorna does for her, and here she is taking even more. 

She finds herself nodding before she even realizes, whether out of true agreement or guilt that’s still to be determined, but either way she feels her heart pound louder with every beat as the seriousness of her commitment sinks in. She’s really going to do this. 

“Alright. For you, I’ll try.” 

Lorna smiles softly, leaning in and kissing her on the lips. “Okay, sweetie. That’s all I ask.” 

“I’m sorry I’ve been actin so crazy, with Emma” Nicky says, rubbing Lorna’s hand. “I can’t help myself. I just get so protective over her.” 

“I know you do, and it’s okay. I just want you to focus on getting better first.” 

“As long as you’re here with me, I’m gonna be just fine,” Nicky says truthfully. She wonders if Lorna has any idea just how much weight actually rests upon that statement. 

“I’m here, baby. I’m not going anywhere. I love you so much,” Lorna says, leaning in and wrapping her arms around her tightly, pulling her into her embrace. Nicky sighs contentedly as she hugs Lorna’s waist and rests her head on her shoulder, finally feeling a burden being lifted from her shoulders. 

She loves Lorna because she doesn’t try to ask why Nicky never told her, act upset about, or hold it against her. She just knows that right now, Nicky’s hurting and that maybe it’s a conversation to be saved for another day. So Nicky holds her tightly, rubbing her back and reveling in the comfort that even though going to therapy to work through her trauma might be one of the hardest things she’s ever had to do, knowing that it’ll help things get better with Lorna and her family is more than enough to get her through it. Maybe someday she’ll even want it for herself, too. 

“Love you too, babe.” 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to check out my tumblr nickymorello in between updates! Thank you for reading :)


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